I don’t think there’s anything quite as life changing as the arrival of your first baby.  Try as you might, you can’t really prepare for it and for most of us becoming a mum is a journey into the unknown.

I thought a lot about staying healthy when I was pregnant with my eldest. I put lots of time, effort and research into my labour and birth plan, but I didn’t give much thought to what came after!

Pre-baby me was in for a big shock!

I was very naïve about motherhood, laughably so really. My sister is only three years younger than me and no close family or friends had babies when I was growing up so I had no real experience with babies and young children. The first nappy I ever changed was on my own baby!

So perhaps that’s why I underestimated quite what was involved, or maybe even vast amounts of experience still wouldn’t have prepared me for my own baby. According to my mum I was a very placid and quiet baby who didn’t cry much and slept a lot.  So I figured my baby would be the same.

I very genuinely thought that I would have lots of spare time during my maternity leave and had plans to bake more and even learn French!

I knew the baby would wake to feed, and as I was planning to breastfeed I was aware that feeds could be frequent.  Once the baby was fed and changed he would just sleep until he was hungry again though.  Right?!

The ‘new’ me

I think having children has fundamentally changed me as a person. Either that or it’s allowed me to discover things about myself that I didn’t know.

• I used to think that I was quite lackadaisical. A very difficult start to breastfeeding brought out a determination in me I was unaware of.
• I used to be a planner, I still am to an extent, but I’ve also learned to go with the flow. When babies and children are involved the best laid plans can go awry so an open mind is advantageous.
• I used to think I was super chilled out, people still comment on my relaxed nature. It turns out I’m not quite as patient as I thought – kids know just how to push your buttons!
• My sister and I used to joke that I was ‘dead inside’! I still don’t wear my heart on my sleeve, but I’m definitely more emotional than I used to be.
• I used to think I knew what the word ‘tired’ meant!

A massive adjustment 

I was fortunate to have supportive family around me, and lucky to not encounter any mental ill health. Becoming a mum was still a massive adjustment for me. I very vividly remember a day when my eldest was just a few weeks old. My husband had gone back to work after his paternity leave and I was still getting to grips with looking after the baby on my own.  I had sat for so very long feeding him and trying to get him to go to sleep long enough for me to put him down and dash to the loo.  Finally, when I though I couldn’t possibly hold on any longer, I managed to get him down in the Moses basket – hurrah!

The second my bum hit the toilet seat he woke up again screaming! All I could think was ‘oh god, what did we do?! This is it now, we can’t send him back, what if I’m not cut out to be a mum? Is it meant to be this hard?’ Finally I managed, a week or so later, to get out of the house to a baby group.  I was chatting to a mum I had met at an antenatal class and confessed the existential crisis I encountered whilst sat on the loo listening to a screaming baby. It turned out, that though the setting had been different, she had had exactly the same thoughts. It was something of a relief to discover I was not the only one!

We’re all winging it!

If you’re finding the transition to motherhood a challenge, please know you aren’t the only one. There’s no such thing as a perfect mum, even the ones who look like they’re bossing it have their own worries and crises of confidence. The vast majority of us are just about managing to hang it all together. If you’re after some mum-to-mum advice, or are worried about something why not post in our forum and see what the other Mamafit mums have to say?

That fateful day was more than 14 years ago now.  I still have plenty of days when I second guess my decisions and wonder if I could do better.  At the end of the day we’re all just winging it and doing the best we can!

If you’re finding things overwhelming or are feeling hopeless and/or persistently low and tearful  please speak to your midwife, health visitor or GP for support.